Just Throwing Out Some Excess Crazy

In December 2016, I went crazy. 

Not just a little nuts, but full on someone-call-the-doctor-and-get-her-some-meds-quick crazy.  A friend had lied to me.  The lie she made me believe went straight up my spinal cord and bore a hole in my brain so deep I didn't sleep for 5 days.  

Now this might have happened to you and like a normal person you were able to scream and yell from the roof top.....getting all that psychotic rage out the healthy way.  But, me...nope.  I couldn't say anything to anyone except my husband.  To say something would ruin the relationships around us and bring our lovely, little social world crashing down.  I had to bottle it up tight and hope it didn't eat me alive; a python munching me inch by inch until I was swallowed whole.

 I'm not really good at holding in stress. After Day 2, my husband had really had enough of "talking it out" with me.  He was tired of being a sudo-girlfriend and listening to me lament over and over was clearly not in his job description.  I couldn't go to my friends, my Mom was letting me go to voicemail and my sister was only giving me 5 minute time windows.  I needed to get all this angry out in a healthy way.  It was the only way to get over this.  

So, I did a Mind Dump.

Also known as a Brain Dump, a Mind Dump is a clever way to get everything out of your head and on paper.  I'll dump to create blog posts, I'll dump clear my head before bed....it is a wonderful way to empty out your busy mind so you can focus.  There is no form to follow, no guidelines...it doesn't even matter if you spell words correctly or use proper grammar.  Draw pictures if you want.  Just get it out.

I wrote and wrote for hours, on 18 sheets of legal paper - front and back.  I filled every nook and cranny of those pages.  It was like slicing a vein open and letting the poison out of my blood.  I had single words, paragraphs and run on sentences.  I highlighted, underlined and put words in boxes.

Afterwards, I was exhausted.  But, I was better.  

A month went by before I tore up those pages and threw them away.  There wasn't a ritual or ceremony where I burned them by the light of the new moon, smudging myself with sage and chanting.  I just picked them up off the corner of my desk, tore them in half, then in half again and put the pages in the trash. (I might have dumped some used kitty litter on them, but a girls gotta have something)

Today, I was sorting out some files and it appears I did a little dumping on my keyboard as well.  Here is a sample of my crazy: 

I am a complicated mess of emotions…some of which I can’t identify.

I spend so much time yelling at other people to love and accept themselves, sometimes I forget to yell at me.

I was vulnerable…exposed…my self actualized self was injured.

I was mad.  I was mad at myself for being affected by this insignificant piece of information.  Information that happened 10 years ago.  Information that shouldn’t matter. 

I actually heard a click in my brain. I went from zero to crazy in 1.5 secs.  I went spiraling down a worm hole and landed in the plush, hot pink world of Crazy Town.

I had no way to process it.  There was no way to vent.

Waiter, would you kindly bring me a straight jacket after you refresh my drink.

What’s worse, when no one understands why you feel crazy.

She’s his type.  I’m not his type.  HE MUST STILL WANT HER.

Mom:  You do crazy good.

It is very hard to be me now.  I feel like I’ve run a marathon with lead shoes and no water.

Why am I concerned with something that happened 10 years ago?  Then I find out… it didn’t actually happen.  I’m sorry.  In my crazy mind it happened yesterday and it is STILL true.

I’m going on a juice fast

Her boobs are bigger. He saw her boobs.  He likes them better.

Fat.  I’m fat.

Start thinking stuff I would never think of.

We are never having sex with the lights on again. EVER AGAIN.  Does he still think about her?  Does her compare us?

How am I ever going to go to dinner with her again?

The sad thing is, the crazy lasts.  It’s like a little rain cloud following me around.  When I think I’m finally over it, POOF….a monsoon.

Oh, and by the way….the tibit of info wasn’t even true.  I made a trip to Crazy Town for nothing.